I see the NAHT are planning an alternative inspection regime called INSTED. I will not be challenging the copyright of this but, rather, offer my poem of the same name, motivated by the same exasperation in 2000...
INSTED
2000
The hidden “New Framework” for Ofsted Inspections
I feel this has to be read in the most pompous and patronising of voices - full of disdain.
Alfred Hitchcock always comes to mind...... he looks the part too

I feel this has to be read in the most pompous and patronising of voices - full of disdain.
Alfred Hitchcock always comes to mind...... he looks the part too
Inspecting is
our reward as we record D (for Data)
On P (for
Proforma) using all the spaces.
You act
normally, we nod formally and do not smile or speak,
For it is A (for
Accuracy) we seek
But,
unsuspecting, we are collecting the emotion on your faces.
If you S (for
Smile), the more we see the better.
We code S on P in C1 (for Column 1) and then: allocate the
letter
A for 1, B for 2, but we stop at J for 10.
When you talk,
we count who T (for Talks) to you.
Your T total is captured, neat and black and
capital, in C2.
If you lean
together when talking, or discuss when walking,
We reward your
obvious trouble by counting double.
If we see you
mute, stuttering, or muttering about another,
We do not T or S at you, or make a note of your uttering,
We just halve
the marks, previously awarded, in C2.
But, if we hear
silence, we cherish it as a wonder so rare,
The most
precious sign of listening, thinking and intensity.
Is our titillation,
the ultimate exhilaration - for it shows you care.
We lovingly
place this jewel of judgements in C3
Then move to the
final calculation for, sadly,
Conversations
and silences are not for such as we.
The Column
Totals (CT) are summed to what your
Raw Score will be.
Your TA (for
Targets) are always more than your RS
(Raw Score) and
TAs are usefully
prepolulated for us in P at C4.
So, to the final
calculation, of our evaluation:
TA times 100, over RS, equals Efficiency Quotient (EQ)
Which,
accompanied by a short review, we email to HQ,
Where,
unsmiling, unspeaking Stepford Wives feed cool computers,
And, using a
raft of reliable tools, print off a league table of rules,
Indicating the
most caring and most efficient of the nation’s schools
Thus, people
like us, with children like ours,
Exercise
parental powers
And move to
select and register our child in the very, very best
Whilst
disregarding, in our caring hearts,
The consequence
of leaving bog standard to the rest.