For NAHT - INSTED

I see the NAHT are planning an alternative inspection regime called INSTED. I will not be challenging the copyright of this but, rather, offer my poem of the same name, motivated by the same exasperation in 2000...

INSTED

2000 The hidden “New Framework” for Ofsted Inspections

I feel this has to be read in the most pompous and patronising of voices - full of disdain.
Alfred Hitchcock always comes to mind...... he looks the part too

Inspecting is our reward as we record D (for Data)

On P (for Proforma) using all the spaces. 

You act normally, we nod formally and do not smile or speak,

For it is A (for Accuracy) we seek

But, unsuspecting, we are collecting the emotion on your faces.

If you S (for Smile), the more we see the better. 

We code S on P in C1 (for Column 1) and then: allocate the letter

A for 1, B for 2, but we stop at J for 10.

When you talk, we count who T (for Talks) to you.

Your T total is captured, neat and black and capital, in C2.

If you lean together when talking, or discuss when walking,

We reward your obvious trouble by counting double.

If we see you mute, stuttering, or muttering about another,

We do not T or S at you, or make a note of your uttering,

We just halve the marks, previously awarded, in C2.

But, if we hear silence, we cherish it as a wonder so rare,

The most precious sign of listening, thinking and intensity.

Is our titillation, the ultimate exhilaration - for it shows you care.

We lovingly place this jewel of judgements in C3

Then move to the final calculation for, sadly,

Conversations and silences are not for such as we.

The Column Totals (CT) are summed to what your Raw Score will be. 

Your TA (for Targets) are always more than your RS (Raw Score) and

TAs are usefully prepolulated for us in P at C4.

So, to the final calculation, of our evaluation:

TA  times 100, over RS, equals Efficiency Quotient (EQ)

Which, accompanied by a short review, we email to HQ,

Where, unsmiling, unspeaking Stepford Wives feed cool computers,

  And, using a raft of reliable tools, print off a league table of rules,

Indicating the most caring and most efficient of the nation’s schools

Thus, people like us, with children like ours,

Exercise parental powers

And move to select and register our child in the very, very best

Whilst disregarding, in our caring hearts,

The consequence of leaving bog standard to the rest.

From "Desire Lines" John Pearce click here

Colleagues might also look at an even better way to evaluate and plan for, "more than Ofsted wants"  The iAbacus click here